I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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