My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
