"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
