I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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