She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
