Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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