I just made out with a guy for $7.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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