So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
