yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
