I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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