I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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