"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Help. Why am I so naked?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
