no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
