I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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