New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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