i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
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