Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
