I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
