Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
