VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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