I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
