remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
