i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I enjoy the company of your penis
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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