I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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