like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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