it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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