My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
