i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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