We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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