It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
