first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
