Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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