my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
