Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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