i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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