Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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