Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
