I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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