Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
