He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
