The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
