my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
