Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
