Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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