She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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