So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i drank out of a bidet.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
