He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
