so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
