She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
