i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
