The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
