I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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